Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
