You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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