Too much gin, very little bucket
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
