Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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