Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
