I am spending my child support on dildos
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
