I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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