Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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