dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
