barbara walters just said penis...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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