I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
