she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
