she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
