you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
