she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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