sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
