I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
