He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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