I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
