I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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