I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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