I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
