I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
