I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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