All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
