An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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