What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
