Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize