winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
