god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
