you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
