I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How external is "for external use only"?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
