We're like a lot better than the average bears
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
