Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my being single is dangerous.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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