I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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