He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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