Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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