WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
