So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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