I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
