Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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