Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
