i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
