dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
