Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
