That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
