I am puke
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
