Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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