when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Operation Purity has been aborted
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
