there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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