He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
