I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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