after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize