the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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