i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
