All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
