I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
