I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
