you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
