I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
