I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
