This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
