Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
